When your child leaves for university, everyone tends to focus on them. Are they excited? Have they made friends? Are they eating properly? Can they actually operate a washing machine? Have they remembered to register with a GP? Meanwhile, back at home, something has shifted, it feels strange and you are not sure how to navigate it.

For years, parenting has occupied an enormous amount of space in your life. Not just physically, but mentally. There has always been something to remember, organise, worry about, pay for, sort out or quietly keep an eye on and in many cases, suddenly, there isn’t. I mean we never stop worrying as parents, right? But now they must try and do life on their own without your physical presence.

And suddenly… it’s quieter.

The house feels different and their bedroom is unusually tidy. There are fewer shoes by the door and less washing in the basket. You’re no longer listening for them coming home or wondering whether they need a lift somewhere.

You wanted them to become independent and you’ve probably spent years preparing them for exactly this, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they do it.

There can be a genuine sense of loss when a child leaves home and that’s not because anything has gone wrong, but because something significant has ended. The version of family life you’ve known for years has changed, and you don’t necessarily get much time to adjust before everyone expects you to be celebrating their exciting new chapter.

When they lived at home, you knew whether they were okay. You could see their face, hear their mood and notice when something wasn’t quite right and check in with them there and then.

Now, a message left unread for three hours can suddenly become a playground for your imagination.

You have to learn a different kind of parenting now – one where you’re still there, still caring, but increasingly from the sidelines.

Perhaps the harder adjustment, though, is what happens to your own identity.

For many parents, particularly those who have spent nearly two decades organising much of their lives around their children, there can be an uncomfortable realisation:

I’m not actually sure who I am
without all of this.

That doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself, it may simply mean that parts of you have had less room for a while and you haven’t had the time to nurture them.

All the things you enjoyed, the plans you postponed, the friends you haven’t seen for a while, interests, ambitions – simply having time that belongs to you without needing to consider somebody else first.

That empty space can initially feel like a void, but you don’t have to rush to fill it, because there is an adjustment taking place and this will take time, as with any changes we experience in our lives.

You haven’t lost your purpose.

Your purpose hasn’t disappeared because your child needs you differently. You are still a parent, it’s just that your relationship with them is changing rather than ending, and your relationship with yourself may need some attention too.

It’s okay to miss them terribly whilst also enjoying having less washing. It’s okay to feel proud and sad at the same time.

It’s okay to worry about them while recognising that learning to manage without you is part of what you’ve been preparing them for.

And if you’ve spent years asking:

perhaps there is now a little more room for another question:

You don’t need to have the answer straight away. Maybe this next stage isn’t about finding a completely new you, maybe it’s about getting reacquainted with the person who has been there all along.

Hayley McAuley

Curious Counselling & Psychotherapy

Photo by Phil Hearing on Unsplash