Working with a client’s memory, emotion and the meaning making process.

When we think of memory, we often believe it is a neat and tidy record of what’s happened to us, but anyone who pays close attention to their inner world knows that isn’t how it works, it’s not as simple as that. Memory is selective, sometimes unreliable, and shaped heavily by emotion. We store experiences, but not always as complete, fixed records. What tends to stay with people isn’t just the factual sequence of what happened in the event, but the emotional impact, the interpretation made at the time, and the meaning that developed later. The event itself may be remembered, but it’s often the feeling or the personal significance that remains most vivid. Each time someone recalls a memory, they’re drawing on something that can change a little depending on how they’re feeling and what they understand now.

Meaning doesn’t come from the memory alone. It forms through reflection and self-awareness, noticing how the memory influences the present, how it was understood at the time, and whether that understanding still fits.  For many people, memories arrive in small pieces rather than full stories. A certain tone of voice they’ve never forgotten. A moment when they felt dismissed. A sense of safety that came from someone simply being present. These aren’t dramatic events, but they’re emotionally charged enough to stay and elicit fragments of memory from a past event. Emotion gives those fragments weight, and that weight shapes how people understand themselves long after the moment has passed.

How does emotion help to decide what remains in our memory?

When something matters emotionally, whether positively or negatively, it tends to “stick.” Some clients recall the first time they felt excluded, or the first time an adult really listened to them. They may remember the physical sensations they experience from fear or the heaviness of shame more clearly than the specifics of what was said. This is because it’s the feeling that imprints itself, not the factual detail of the event.

At the same time, emotional memories are open to revision. A client might tell a story one way early in therapy, and months later offer a different angle. Nothing has been fabricated – their relationship with the memory has simply changed. As people grow, gain context, or feel safer to look more closely, their understanding of what happened becomes more refined. This is a natural part of therapeutic work – gaining clarity and integration, rather than figuring out accurate details of the narrative.

When does meaning making take place?

Meaning making is rarely a quick process. Clients often come to therapy wanting to gain clarity as to why something affected them, or what it means for their identity, but meaning usually forms more slowly. It starts to develop as memories are explored from different emotional points in time: the initial impact, the long-term influence, and the present-day understanding.  Someone might describe a difficult experience from childhood and initially be very blasé and describe it as “just something that happened.” Later, as the client gains more emotional context, they might realise it shaped the way they trust others or explains a pattern they couldn’t previously name. Meaning tends to appear after the memory has been spoken aloud, sat with, felt, challenged, and seen with a bit more honesty.

How do we work with memories in the therapy room?

Therapy offers a space where memories can be discussed without rushing toward a conclusion and having it all figured out quickly. Clients often bring memories they’ve either explained away, avoided, or repeated to themselves so often that the story feels fixed, correct and true. In the therapy room, these memories can be revisited with more curiosity and at a pace that feels right for the client. The therapist isn’t there to have an opinion on what actually happened, but to help the person explore what the memory has come to represent for them right now.  This is important because memory, emotion and meaning making shape how people function in the present. A memory that carries unprocessed fear can influence a client’s ability to trust people. A memory that induces shame may silence them in future relationships. When these layers of emotions are understood instead of being pushed aside, clients can begin to respond to current situations without being pulled back into old patterns of behaviour.

Therapy also helps distinguish between the memory itself and the meaning that was attached to it long ago. Someone who grew up being called “difficult” might discover in therapy that what was labelled “difficulty” was sensitivity or assertiveness in an environment that couldn’t accommodate that. The facts of the memory don’t need changing, but the meaning can be re-evaluated, which often changes how a client sees themselves now and this is where the change can start to happen.

Clients sometimes tell a memory for the first time in therapy, and hearing themselves say it aloud can shift something internally. Speaking a memory in a relational space, with someone listening without judgement, can make it feel more coherent. It can also highlight any parts that were ignored, inflated, or misunderstood at the time they occurred.  Therapists also see how memories evolve. A client might initially describe an event with detachment, then later feel anger, sadness or relief when revisiting it. This isn’t because they are being inconsistent, it’s because their mind is allowing more of the emotional truth to come into view as the therapeutic relationship strengthens.

Heavy or unclear memories

Some memories remain blurry or emotionally overwhelming and there may have been a reluctance to try and visit these memories. In therapy, clients often worry that unclear memories are invalid or if they are making something up, but uncertainty is extremely common, especially when something was stressful or frightening. The focus doesn’t need to be on perfect recall, it’s the emotional impact and the way the memory lives in the body and behaviour now that is key to moving forward in life.

Therapy can help clients make meaning from experiences that still feel unfinished. This doesn’t mean justifying what happened or forcing a positive interpretation. It means recognising the effect, acknowledging the pain or confusion, and understanding what the memory continues to ask of them in the present.

Memory, emotion and meaning making form the backdrop for how people understand themselves. When clients are given time and space to explore these elements together, they often become more compassionate toward their past selves, more grounded in their present choices, and more able to interrupt patterns that once felt automatic.  With this level of self-awareness, the client can make positive changes moving forward.

Therapy doesn’t rewrite history and nor should it try to. It helps people see it with clearer eyes and through a different set of lenses, so they can move forward with a story that feels more honest and more supportive of the life they want now.

Hayley McAuley

Psychotherapist

Curious Counselling & Psychotherapy

(Accompanying photo by ian dooley on Unsplash)