Have you ever experienced jealousy? What was that like for you? Do you understand where it comes from?
Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, but although they are similar emotions, there is a difference between how you feel when experiencing them. Jealousy generally appears when we fear losing something we already possess, typically a valued relationship, to another person. Envy, on the other hand, occurs when we wish we had something that another person has. However, if we feel lacking in ourselves when we look at another person because of what they possess, or how they look, or even the personality traits that they possess, and we feel resentment and bitterness towards that person, then what we are experiencing is likely to be jealousy.
People experience jealousy for various reasons but it is very commonly seen in relationships. It can stem from, for example, insecurity, fear of abandonment, or low self-esteem. When we perceive a threat to our relationship, whether real or imagined, jealousy can be felt. This emotion is a complex mix of fear, anger, and sadness, often triggered by the presence or attention of a third party. The fear of losing a loved one or being replaced can be overwhelming, leading to these intense feelings. Fear of abandonment is something that can be explored with a trained therapist who can help you to explore the origins of these feelings that often come about from experiences in our past either in childhood, or in the experience of previous relationships. However, this may not solely be the reason, because low self-esteem, a lack of confidence in being independent or alone and possibly being part of a co-dependent relationship, can also be reason why a fear of abandonment leads to feelings of jealousy.
The effects of jealousy on us can be profound and really quite detrimental to the relationship we are in. It can induce feelings of anxiety, depression, and a constant state of vigilance, especially around communications between our partner and other people. Jealousy can also cloud our judgment, making it difficult to see situations clearly and quite often confirmation bias ensures that we interpret what we see in order to fit our inner narrative. This emotional turmoil can result in obsessive thoughts and behaviours, such as constantly checking our partner’s messages or social media. The stress and insecurity caused by jealousy can also take a toll on our mental health, leading to a cycle of negative emotions and behaviours.
In relationships, jealousy can break down trust and create an environment where our partners feel constantly scrutinised and undervalued. Our constant need for reassurance can strain the relationship, leading to arguments and misunderstandings. Over time, jealousy can drive a wedge between us and our partner, making it difficult to maintain a healthy and loving connection.
Overcoming jealousy requires self-awareness and a willingness to face some truths within ourselves. Recognising the underlying insecurities and fears is the first step. Open communication with our partner about these feelings can help build trust and understanding, which in turn can develop self-confidence and enable us to feel empowered. Practicing mindfulness and challenging negative thoughts can help manage the emotional responses associated with jealousy, as well as embracing gratitude and being thankful for the positive things we already have in our lives. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can provide additional support and strategies for overcoming jealousy and also help you to investigate the root cause of the issues surrounding it. There is such rich and worthwhile work that can be done, by understanding, owning, and undoing unhealthy behavioural responses. By addressing the root causes and working towards building a secure and trusting relationship, it is possible to overcome jealousy and maintain healthy and strong relationships in the future.
Hayley McAuley
Psychotherapist