Life can often feel like treading water in a turbulent sea. Many of us find ourselves drowning under the weight of difficult circumstances, anxiety, stress, depression, persistent worries, anger, or health issues. The strain can become overwhelming, threatening to pull us under.
In these moments of crisis, how do you respond when offered help? Consider these scenarios:
- Do you gratefully accept the life jacket thrown your way, put it on, and allow others to pull you to safety?
- Do you sceptically eye the life jacket, convinced it’s not for you, and continue to struggle alone, hoping for a miraculous solution?
- Do you stubbornly toss the life jacket back, rejecting assistance outright?
While these reactions are common, another response is particularly concerning:
- Do you immediately pass the life jacket to someone else you perceive as drowning, repeatedly sacrificing your own safety for others?
This last group often goes unnoticed. These individuals have become so accustomed to keeping their heads barely above water that they’ve forgotten how to reach for shore. They’ve developed such a strong habit of prioritising others that they neglect their own needs, even in dire circumstances.
If you recognise yourself in this description, the first step is acknowledging your patterns. Understand that you have an unconscious drive to put others first, often at your own expense. While caring for others is admirable, it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being.
How does one develop this self-sacrificing tendency? Common origins include:
– Childhood criticism leading to self-doubt and people-pleasing
– Experiences of feeling worthless, projecting that feeling onto your place in the world
– Receiving praise for helping others, turning it into a primary source of self-worth
– Harsh reprimands for perceived selfishness in childhood, leading to extreme selflessness
These traits often manifest in personalities described as “the pleaser,” “the helper,” or “the giver.” While well-intentioned and often rewarded with positive feedback, this behaviour can lead to severe depletion and burnout.
Imagine an alternative: What if you could help others from a position of strength and stability? Picture yourself on a sturdy lifeboat, well-equipped with life jackets, able to assist those in need without risking your own safety. This approach allows you to offer meaningful help while maintaining your own well-being.
To achieve this balance, consider these five steps:
- Learn to say no when you’re not in a position to help safely
- Accept that you can’t rescue everyone, especially those resistant to help
- Prioritise self-rescue when you’re struggling
- Allow for recovery time after major efforts to help others
- Practice saying no (often the most challenging but crucial skill)
If you identify with these patterns, try this exercise: Each day, write down one thing you’ll do for yourself that’s restorative and nourishing. Make this a priority on your to-do list. At day’s end, reflect on all the ways you’ve replenished yourself.
Remember, we’re designed to live in supportive communities. Modern life may have disrupted this natural support system, but it’s essential to reach out when you’re struggling. Build a network of people who can help you stay afloat, just as you help others.
By learning to secure your own life jacket first, you’ll be better equipped to assist others without risking your own well-being. It’s not selfish – it’s the foundation of sustainable care and support for both yourself and those around you.
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